You Know, Just Because You're Happy.

You know when you're happy? Everything seems to be going really well, no complaints. In fact, good things are just on the horizon.

But then life is like "Lol nope".

And sometimes it really fucks things up for you. Like it takes something you were really looking forward to and it snatches it completely way, then takes something horrible and shoves it up your ass.

And the there are times when it just takes things away and gives you a little bit of hope to keep you going and mostly happy.

The. It does the worst thing of all. It changes that thing. It makes it into something bad, something you really don't want. And then you ask life "Why?!" And life just smiles and say "You know, just because you're happy." Then it laughs in your face and runs off to ruin someone else's day.

That's similar to what is happening to me. The third option, that is.

We're finally moving. Finally, after all these years. We don't have to deal with that man who has plagued us with his presence for so long; taking all we had and never returning the favor. And at first, I was happy. I was so happy. Beyond happy.

And now, it's different. That man, although I all but hate him, is my father. I do not cry because I wish I wasn't leaving. I cry because I should be upset. I should be able to cry for being taken from my father. I should miss him when he's gone. I should be able to. I should be able to think of my dad as someone I love, because he is my flesh and blood. But I don't. I can't. I won't allow it, yet I long for that feeling. I cry because I am jealous of those who have a father. I don't love him, I don't even like him. He is a man that I wish I had no connection to whatsoever. But there should be someone there to fill his place, to be an actual dad.

I can't cry to my mother, she'd think I didn't want to go through with it.

I can't cry to him, like he'd even give a shit about my tears.

I can't cry to the one person who would listen because he is being held captive, away from me.

I can only bottle it up inside me and wait until it's over. Both anticipating and dreading our move.

Thank you life.

Why couldn't you just let me be happy?

Over-exaggerations Teens Love to Use/Pet Peeves

For some reason teens love to make things a bigger deal than they are. I know this is kind of obvious. Everybody knows teens (especially girls) are over-dramatic and whinny about a lot of things. This brings me to some of my pet peeves. I hate it when people over-exaggerate EVERYTHING.

Most commonly seen/My Most disliked:

1-A couple just got together less than a week ago-they are IN LOVE. No! No you are not in love!! I do not care how cute (s)he is! I don't care how sweet they are at first! You are just being naive! You don't love them, they don't love you! I'm sorry, but I am not a believer in "love at first sight". That theory was made by Hollywood and writers to catch interest in their viewers/readers. Because of this, people are brainwashed to believe that just because they're dating means they HAVE to love each other right away! That just isn't true!! I have no shame in saying I was not in love with my boyfriend when I first met him, not even a little. It took several years for me to even get to know him enough to like him. When I first met him, I thought he was immature and dumb. Now, I know him. Now, I've been with him for a year and a half! I can say I do love him, because I know I do! I KNOW him.

2-You had a bad day. Now your whole life is horrible. The worst. No one knows what it's like to have a life like yours. You're going to "kill yourself". So, what do you do? You get on the Internet. You go to some social site and complain. You tell everybody how bad your life is and how you just want to die. And this time you aren't joking. Then when someone says you're being stupid you say you cut yourself and have tried killing yourself 20 times (a real conversation I had with a girl). For one thing, true cutters who have a true reason to cut, don't broadcast it! They don't tell people! They HIDE IT. An attention whore, however, will claim they cut themselves all the time and have "almost" killed themselves. This is bullshit. No, you didn't. And if you did, it's because you're being over-dramatic. There are people out there who have killed themselves. People who had much worse lives than you. Get over yourself.

How to Survive My Life

My life as the girl in the background. The one no one notices? "Who?" "What girl?" The one no one really cares to notice? The one everybody figures is actually a mute, or that's what they'd think if they thought about her. That's me.

So, you're probably wondering: How the hell do you do it? How can you just stay so quiet? What about friends? Relationships?

I have friends. A couple..... Okay, one. Two, if you count Logan, but most people don't. I don't need a lot of friends. A lot of friends mean a lot of drama. I don't want a lot of drama. And, my one friend is probably a better friend to me than all of your thousands of friends out together. She doesn't gossip about me. She doesn't spread nasty rumors. She listens to me. We have real conversations about real things. And when we disagree (which isn't often) we either drop the subject or have an intellectual debate on the matter. We don't hate each other because she bought those shoes I said I wanted.

I'm in a relationship. I have been for almost a year and a half. My boyfriend is the aforementioned Logan. Most people don't count boyfriends/girlfriends as friends. But if we do count him, he is my best friend. I can literally talk to him about EVERYTHING. He is probably the best thing in my life. He's what makes my existence (just because no one pays attention to me like I don't exist, doesn't mean I really don't) worth while. If I had the choice, I would lock the two of us away, so we'd never have to see the outside world. But even if that was possible, it wouldn't be my choice alone. I'm sure he'd get tired of me, but I know I'd never tire of him. He is my EVERYTHING.

How do I stay quiet? It's quite simple, really. You know that whole in your face? The biggest one? Close it. Keep it closed. Only open it when it is completely mandatory. This type of lifestyle requires one thing: you have to be shy. Shy as hell. The shyest you can possibly get. Think of how shy you might be before going on stage in front of thousands of people. Pretty shy, right? And nervous? Multiply that by infinity. That's me. That's how I am.

How the hell do I do it? Well, I guess I'm just used to it.

So Close

We are making our first steps away from dysfunction.

We aren't quite to fully functioning.

But we're getting close.

About a month ago, my grandmother mentioned to my mother that she had seen a house for rent along the highway just outside of the town we live in. My mother and I investigated said house. Unfortunately (or so it seemed), the house was NOT for rent, but it was for sale. Upon seeing the sign, my mother was ready to give up. I persuaded her to continue to look around the outside of the house and to take down the number and call the owner.

About a week passed without mention of the house.

One day, I asked my mother if she had contacted the owner of the house. She had and had set up a date with them on which they would show the house to her. I insisted my mother take me along. With some persuasion, she agreed once more.

We returned to the house. It wasn't a big house, but it had three rooms (perfect!) a semi-finished basement (awesome!) and a huge kitchen (fantastic!). The woman who owned the house said she would be willing to rent if my mother would give her a credit report and a reference from our current land lord.

This worried my mother. "I don't have good credit" she fretted. "Stella likes us and all, but we've been behind on rent so many times..."

Another week and we had the credit report and the reference in the mail to the woman who owned the house.

Stella, our current land lady, read the letter she sent as our reference over the phone to my mother. According to my mother, the reference was more than good. It was fantastic, better than we deserved, my mom claimed.

The next week, we were gone for a few days. My mother stayed home due to sickness so my sister and I went with my aunt and cousin to visit relatives in Illinois.

On our return, I asked my mom if she had heard anything.

"The woman called me..." She hesitated, looking to make sure my father was out of earshot, "she said she is going to be gone this week, on a trip..." She hesitated again, looking very solemn, I prepared myself for bad news, "but when she returns... She's going to.... Write up a lease..." She smiled.

Tears leapt to my eyes. At last. At last, we were so close, closer than we had ever dreamed of being! I hugged my mother, tears streaming silently down my face.

***

And, now, we are here. We await the return of the woman who owns the house. When she comes back, my mom will review the lease with her. Assuming all goes well, we should be moved in by May. I have hated the walls of this house for more than four years now. And I have longed to leave behind the man who is my biological father. I have held on for so long to just the idea, just the dream, just the small glimmer of hope, that it is hard for me to grasp the reality of this development.

We're just so close...

Beliefs

**WARNING: This post contains the religious views of the blog owner. Any offense you may feel at what is written after this point was unintended. If you do not wish to hear the views I have, please do not continue to read. Thank you.**

Religion.

Sometimes I think of the way we are. If you think about people in a certain way you can see how truly amazing we can be. Look at all other species that walk the Earth. They cannot communicate the way we do. They can't think and express themselves the way they do. In that alone, we are amazing. But we have even surpassed that amount of impressiveness. The technology we have created, the things we can do. However, most people take all of this for granted.

Then we get to the point: Why? Why are we here? How did we get here? Where do we go afterwords? Some people believe we come back in a different form, some think we go to a Heaven or a Hell. Then there are people like me.

Why do I think we're here? Honestly, I haven't got a clue. I used to believe the why was the Christian version: We were put here by God. But then I started to think about it. Why in the world would he do that? How was God made? So many parts of the story didn't fit quite right to me. Then there is the scientific version: Big Bang, evolution, etc. I will admit, this version is more believable. But I still have a few questions: Why humans? Why are we the ones who have the higher evolutionary position? Why haven't other animals evolved just as much as us? Will they ever evolve like us? If not, why? If so, why so slow? I suppose if I found someone more learned in this area they could answer these questions for me.

Where do we go afterwords? To be blunt, I think we rot in the ground. A Heaven or Hell doesn't seem realistic to me. If we are fearful of our "God" we may be rewarded. However, if you are a good person but do not show faith in "Him" then you are doomed to a torturous afterlife. That seems hardly fair. People are given the choice to believe what they want, and yet they aren't because if they don't believe in "Him" we will be punished. Even less believable, the idea that we come back as another species or person. Although the idea sounds interesting, it also sound more like a fantasy world to me.

Believing in a religion seems a lot like believing in Santa Claus to me. It's just something made up to answer the questions that simply can't be answered.

Now, I'm not saying you're wrong and stupid for believing any of these things. I'm just expressing my views. If you can give me legitimate answers to my questions, I'd be glad to hear them. Maybe you can convert me. But trust me, it won't be easy, people have tried before. But I always try to keep an open mind.