You Know, Just Because You're Happy.

You know when you're happy? Everything seems to be going really well, no complaints. In fact, good things are just on the horizon.

But then life is like "Lol nope".

And sometimes it really fucks things up for you. Like it takes something you were really looking forward to and it snatches it completely way, then takes something horrible and shoves it up your ass.

And the there are times when it just takes things away and gives you a little bit of hope to keep you going and mostly happy.

The. It does the worst thing of all. It changes that thing. It makes it into something bad, something you really don't want. And then you ask life "Why?!" And life just smiles and say "You know, just because you're happy." Then it laughs in your face and runs off to ruin someone else's day.

That's similar to what is happening to me. The third option, that is.

We're finally moving. Finally, after all these years. We don't have to deal with that man who has plagued us with his presence for so long; taking all we had and never returning the favor. And at first, I was happy. I was so happy. Beyond happy.

And now, it's different. That man, although I all but hate him, is my father. I do not cry because I wish I wasn't leaving. I cry because I should be upset. I should be able to cry for being taken from my father. I should miss him when he's gone. I should be able to. I should be able to think of my dad as someone I love, because he is my flesh and blood. But I don't. I can't. I won't allow it, yet I long for that feeling. I cry because I am jealous of those who have a father. I don't love him, I don't even like him. He is a man that I wish I had no connection to whatsoever. But there should be someone there to fill his place, to be an actual dad.

I can't cry to my mother, she'd think I didn't want to go through with it.

I can't cry to him, like he'd even give a shit about my tears.

I can't cry to the one person who would listen because he is being held captive, away from me.

I can only bottle it up inside me and wait until it's over. Both anticipating and dreading our move.

Thank you life.

Why couldn't you just let me be happy?